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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28585782">Grace</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/busy_bee7/pseuds/busy_bee7'>busy_bee7</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abusive John Winchester, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Cults, Dean Winchester is Protective of Castiel, Dean Winchester is Sam Winchester's Parent, Dean Winchester's First Time With a Man, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Family Fluff, First Kiss, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Grace - Freeform, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sex, Inspired by Florence + the Machine, M/M, Protective Dean Winchester, Religious Imagery &amp; Symbolism, Roommates, Roommates to lovers, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Slow Burn, Song: Grace (Florence + the Machine), Team Free Will (Supernatural), Title from a Florence + the Machine Song, cas was raised in a cult church, fuck john winchester all my homies hate john winchester, religious trauma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:28:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,742</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28585782</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/busy_bee7/pseuds/busy_bee7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel Shurley was raised in a strict church and left to fend for himself when he came out. Dean Winchester raised his brother and had to work to keep the household afloat. After being friends for years, they end up moving in and helping each other find peace. Castiel wants Dean to have faith. Dean wants Castiel to be his boyfriend. </p><p>This is the only thing I've ever had any faith in - Florence + the Machine</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel &amp; Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester &amp; Sam Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>96</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Grace</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Florence + the Machine's beautiful song Grace inspired this, I would recommend listening to it before you read!  Content warning for religious trauma, implied sexual abuse, implied child abuse, and implied sexual content.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I’m sorry I ruined your birthday; you had turned eighteen.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t understand why you refuse to have fun, man. Come on, you’re free now. We graduate next month, and you’ve never done <em>anything.”</em> Dean whined to Castiel. They were sitting in Dean’s bedroom, the silence of the small house overwhelming. Sam was still at an afterschool event, and John…Dean didn’t know where John was most afternoons. They went to Dean’s after school most days, usually to play a video game (Dean’s idea) or study (Cas’s idea). Friends and neighbors since the age of ten, it was surprising to Dean that Cas still stuck by him. He was brash, stupid, and undeniably too loud. Cas was smart, careful, and too kind for his own good.</p><p>“I don’t feel like going anywhere, Dean. I’d just like to spend today how we spend every school night. Here.”</p><p>“Yeah, well that’s boring, it’s your eighteenth, and you’re going to just waste it doing nothing.”</p><p>“I don’t consider spending time with you doing nothing,” Cas bit out, and Dean felt a wave of guilt wash over him. Cas was too nice. Sure, he enjoyed spending time with his best friend too, but he wanted to make sure Cas would go out and have fun when he left for college. Dean wasn’t going to college. Cas was.</p><p>“Well it will be doing nothing when I’m not around to spend time with,” he elbowed the other boy and grinned, only to be met with a  solemn face and eyes that were always too blue, both in color and in their emotional state.</p><p>“Why wouldn’t you be around to spend time with?” Cas asked, head tilting slightly. Dean watched the movement with a bit of fondness. It was so <em>Cas</em>.</p><p>“You’re off to college soon, buddy. I’ll be here, at Bobby’s, watching Sam. Taking care of Dad.” He said this more softly. He knew Cas wasn’t happy Dean never even applied to college with him.</p><p>“Well, then even more reason to spend the night with you,” Cas said, pushing himself off the floor and leaving Dean’s bedroom. He heard the bathroom door shut, creaking as it always did. He was glad his friend left because he knew his face was flushed. <em>Spend the night with you</em> had implications that Dean constantly had to tell himself were not happening with Cas. <em>Not now, not in this life.  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I guess I could go back to university; try to make my mother proud. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>It was three am, and Dean was only slightly pissed at whoever had called his phone. He rolled over, reaching blindly for the damn thing. The anger turned to fear as he saw the name <em>Castiel </em>on the screen. He swiped it and pulled it up to his ear in a second flat.</p><p>“Cas? Cas what’s wrong are you okay?” His voice came out groggy, a slight rasp in his throat.</p><p>“Dean, I – I need you to pick me up. I dropped out. I…Dean…” Cas’s voice was hushed as if he was trying not to wake someone. His roommate, probably, Dean realized.</p><p>“Cas? What’s going on why are you dropping out?” Cas would <em>never </em>drop out of his own will; Dean knew something was very wrong.</p><p>“My mother found out.”</p><p>Oh, no. Dean closed his eyes and felt the pain of Castiel’s statement hit his heart. Naomi Shurley was a bitch. Raising Castiel and his three siblings hyper-religiously, she had already caused Cas more guilt and pain than he deserved. His older brother Michael was an asshole, always snitching on Cas to their mom, and his younger sister Anna too young to know much about their corrupt cult-like church. His last brother, Gabriel, was the only one Cas could trust not to screw him over. Three years ago at age eighteen Gabriel had brought home a massive cake decorated in the colors of the pansexual pride flag, declared that he “liked anything with an ass” and promptly was kicked out. He lived two states away with his own hybrid bakery-tattoo shop. Don’t ask how that works, Dean never found out if it was actually legal for food and ink to be in the same place.</p><p>“I forgot to remove a pride pin from my backpack. I’m cut off. I don’t have a place to be…Dean can I -”</p><p>“Of course. God, Cas, of course. You don’t even have to ask. Which building are you in right now? I’ll be there in an hour.” It was a two-hour drive, but Cas knew better than to question Dean’s driving.</p><p>“But…but will John be mad?”</p><p>“I’m dropping you at Bobby’s for now,” Dean said, finally getting out of his bed. He flipped on the lights, looking for his discarded jeans from earlier. “He’s got a spare room. You can stay there until we can find a place to move into.”</p><p>“We?” Cas asked. Dean froze.</p><p>“Yeah, we. We can get an apartment together. I’ve been saving. I want to get out of here too,” Dean admitted quietly. John’s behavior was getting worse with time. If it weren’t for Sam, Dean would have left ages ago. “I’ve been working on trying to get legal rights to have Sam as my dependent, I can’t leave him here.”</p><p>“You’re a good brother, Dean, your mom would be proud.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Stop this phase I’m in she deems dangerous.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>It wasn’t Cas’s fault he was working himself to exhaustion. It wasn’t Sam’s fault either, although they both wanted to blame themselves. Cas was working as both a barista and an assistant librarian, and Sam was working part-time at a restaurant while finishing high school. Dean still had his job at Bobby’s repair shop but was bartending on the side as well as – to Cas’s anger – selling his plasma for money. They could afford rent and food just fine. Cas also payed for his online classes, having chosen to return to school for a degree in library science. But Dean wouldn’t let Sam pay a penny of the rent or help with anything. No, Sammy’s job was to enjoy being a teenager in the way that Dean never got to. Dean’s plasma and bartending money went to the college fund he had set up once claiming Sam as his dependent and cutting ties with their father legally. Sure, he was tired. But if Sammy could go to college and put his brain to good use, it was all worth it. If Cas could get his degree and be happy at the library, it was all worth it. If Dean’s family was okay, it was all worth it. Even if…</p><p>Even if too much of his extra money went to shitty whiskey. Maybe he spent too long at the bar even after closing. Sometimes he would avoid seeing Castiel or Sam for too long. Yeah, he sucked at talking about any of his feelings. Even if he snapped at them when he was tired. It would be okay.</p><p>“Hey, Dean, do you work tomorrow night? Sam and I were thinking we could see that new Marvel movie,” Cas said, wandering into the kitchen wearing just boxers and a robe. His face was freshly shaven, and Dean had to tear his eyes away from his sharp jawline. Cas was on his phone, probably looking at the movie times and ticket prices. Dean couldn’t admit it to himself when he was eighteen, but he knew now, at age twenty-two, that he had more than just <em>friendly</em> feelings for his best friend and roommate.</p><p>“I work, tomorrow, yeah,” Dean said, mumbling into his coffee mug, “I’m sorry, buddy. I’m free Saturday at two, though.” A silence followed. Dean looked up to see Cas biting his lip.</p><p>“You’re always busy, Dean.” He looked sad. Dean never wanted to make Cas sad. He managed to do it enough, though.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Cas. I know. I just - ”</p><p>“Need to make sure Sam gets to go to college, I know,” Cas said, reaching across the table and pulling one of Dean’s hands close to him, and putting his own hand over it. Dean’s heart fluttered. <em>It’s just platonic. Cas and I are just there for each other during hard times. Always have been. Always will be.</em></p><p>“He deserves that much, after the childhood he’s had. He deserves to go to college and be a stupid young adult like we were never able to,” Dean said, looking at Cas. He set his mug down and reached to hold Cas’s hand in the middle. “A hand sandwich, if you will,” he joked. Cas let out a small laugh and the corners of his eyes crinkled. <em>Bingo. Making Cas happy was his main goal in life these days, Cas deserved to be happy. God, Cas deserved the world.</em></p><p>“I know you want Sam to have a normal teenager life, Dean. But you know he won’t. He knows that too. What he does have is the best older brother he could ask for. I think he’d rather spend time with you now than worry about <em>maybe </em>picking up a few extra shifts to cover his classes. Sam is smart, Dean. He knows what college will cost him. I’ve been helping him out with studying lately, he stops by the library sometimes and I gave him some study guides. He’s well on his way to getting excellent scholarships,” Cas’s lips twitched upward, and Dean felt his heart swell with joy at knowing that Cas cared for Sam too. Maybe even almost as much as he did.</p><p>“Take a break, Dean.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>In love.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Dean was in love with Castiel. His heart had latched onto the messy-haired nerd with a gummy smile and a terrible caffeine addiction. Cas was the best thing in his life. Every time Dean had a doubt, Cas was there. Whenever he wanted to just hang out or relax, Cas was there. Dean could never want anything or anyone when Cas was around. He’d never want anything but <em>more </em>of Cas. Castiel as a boyfriend, a <em>lover</em>, a partner. He had watched the neighborhood ‘good Christian boy’ turn into the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. They were friends for all of middle school and high school, Dean being there for him when Castiel told him that he needed to escape his parent’s cult-like church. Dean was there when Cas came out as gay and was scared that his parents would somehow be able to tell. Dean was there when no one in their high school would talk to him because he was a Shurley and the Shurley kids were weird.</p><p>He loved Cas. He loved that Castiel saw the world as good. He loved his terrible puns and lack of understanding of pop culture. Dean loved the way Cas wore sweaters that were slightly too big for him and steel-toed boots even though he worked in a library <em>(“Books are very heavy when they fall on your feet, Dean”).</em> He loved that even though Castiel grew up in a massive church that warped his views on love, sex, and the world, he was still the most understanding person Dean knew. Cas still had <em>faith. </em></p><p><em>“It’s not God, its not the grace of the world, or the beauty of a soul that is corrupt,” </em>He had said to Dean one night soon after they moved in together.<em> “I don’t know what religion I even believe in; I can’t trust organized religion. But I do trust whoever is there, whoever is watching over me, whoever cared so much for me that they gave me good things in my life. Things like you and Sam. I believe in grace, Dean. I don’t know if I believe in God, but I believe in Grace.” </em></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>The spelling is a problem, as is the discipline – and I don’t think it would be too long before I was drunk in Camberwell, again.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It hurt to love Cas. It hurt to listen to him talk about the man who gave him his number at work. It hurt to watch him exist in his life without being <em>more. </em>Sam had to know. The kid was seventeen, working full-time over the summer at the Roadhouse with his friend Jo, whose mom owned the place. Dean eventually fell into a routine of picking Sam up from his shift at ten, dropping him at the library, where Cas was also just getting off a shift, and then returning to bartend for four or five hours. This way he could avoid Cas telling him all about whatever smart man was at the library today begging for Cas’s attention. Dean knew he wasn’t the only one who wanted Castiel. He almost wished that Cas would settle down with one of them and move out, so that when Sam left for college, Dean would have the place to himself.</p><p>Of course, he didn’t really want that to happen. But it would be a lot easier to be sad and drunk in peace if the object of his sorrow wasn’t there, kindly asking him what was wrong.</p><p>Dean shook himself out of his imagination to greet a customer making their way to the bar. It had been a quiet night, as it usually was on Mondays. Still, there were always the local drunks, a few college kids with nothing better to do, and the occasional person looking for a hookup. Dean blinked as he took in the sight of his best friend sitting across from the bar. </p><p>“Uh…Cas? Aren’t you supposed to be home right now?” Dean let out a confused chuckle. Cas was supposed to be with Sam making a frozen pizza and then sleeping before his morning shift at the coffee shop.</p><p>“You’ve been off for months. I’ve tried to talk to you, but you always avoid me in the apartment and insist on taking Sam with us when I ask you out to dinner,” Cas explained, crossing his arms and giving Dean a knowing look.</p><p><em>Ask you out to dinner</em> <em>sounds like – No, Dean. Not now, not ever. </em></p><p>“Alright, so I’m stressed. Sammy’s finally going to college. I’m going to miss the kid. Can’t I be stressed about this? I’m practically his dad.”</p><p>“That’s not it. If you were worried about Sam you would be babying him, not leaving him alone. Did you even know he has a girlfriend?” Cas argued back, waving off Ellen as she came to ask why Dean wasn’t working. She took one look at the man’s face and backed off. Dean sighed.</p><p>“I’m working through some stuff, okay?”</p><p>“Is this…does it have to do with me?”</p><p>
  <em>Yes. </em>
</p><p>“No,” Dean said, smiling a little, although very tense. “I’ve been watching him since he was born, okay. I won’t know what to do with the empty apartment.” Dean knew the reason he had been avoiding his friend and brother was because it was starting to really hit Dean how old he was getting. The other boys at the garage all had wives and girlfriends to go home to. His friends were all telling him he should start dating. They had tried to set him up numerous times, but Dean declined every time. He was in love with Castiel, and one of these days Cas was going to meet a smart young man who would sweep him off his feet with his large vocabulary and wisdom. Dean was going to sit in his empty apartment and become the next John Winchester. Tired, bitter, and lonely. Only he wouldn’t take his anger out on anyone but himself. Dean wouldn’t hurt a fly in the way that John had. Dean would work at the garage until his back gave out, then would work at a grocery store or something until he drank himself to death.</p><p>Dean realized he was caught up in his thoughts. He looked up and met Cas’s worried gaze. Dean felt a sense of peace wash over him. The blue eyes of his best friend always calmed him down. It would be okay.</p><p>“You need something more in your life, Dean.”</p><p><em>You </em>thought Dean miserably.</p><p>“Faith.”</p><p>Wait, what?</p><p>“What? Faith? Really, Cas? I’m not that kind of guy,” he huffed. Leave it to Cas to suggest Dean be more faithful.</p><p>“I’ve always been comforted by the presence of grace, Dean. Even at my old church. This is not religion. This is faith, belief in good, trust in the world. Love for beauty. You need grace, Dean. I’ve been watching how you act recently. You don’t think you deserve anything good. You want to just work yourself out, only relaxing when everyone else is gone. You’re going to dig yourself into a hole this way, Dean.”</p><p>As Castiel spoke, Dean felt anger bubble in his chest. He didn’t need faith or grace or any of that shit. Faith was what broke Castiel in the first place. Love for others was what broke Dean. He was served a shitty slice of life, a dead mom, an abusive dad, and only himself to blame for his lack of love.</p><p>“I don’t need faith, Cas,” he bit out, the anger coming to the surface and leaking out through his teeth. He couldn’t keep it in. Castiel had a shitty life too, but somehow, he landed topside. Cas had a degree, a stable job that wouldn’t fire him when his back got too sore, and plenty of offers for sex or dating or whatever he wanted.</p><p>“I want you to be happy, Dean.” Cas’s words flowed over Dean in a rush, making his face heat and his arms shake, but cooling the anger like a lid on a pot. Before he could help himself, he reached for Cas’s hand.</p><p>“Hand sandwich,” he whispered. Cas couldn’t help but snort. Dean missed him. God, Dean missed Cas. He had been avoiding him for fear he would leave. But he should have known better. This was Castiel. Cas needed Dean just as much as Dean needed him. Castiel was his friend. Maybe that was all they ever would have, but Dean would be okay. It would be okay. He squeezed his friend’s hand.</p><p>“Please, Dean. I think it would help. I just know that no matter what I have this grace with me, and I wish I could share it with you.”</p><p>“You’re not talking about some drug now, are you Cas?” he laughed lightly.</p><p>“No, it’s just a sense of calm I’ve gotten since accepting that I am part of a beautiful world. Dean, please, have some faith in the world. You look like you’re falling apart these days. Have some faith in me, I’m here for you. I always am.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>But this is the only thing I’ve ever had any faith in. Grace, I know you carry us. Grace, and it was such a mess. Grace, I don’t say it enough. Grace, you are so loved.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>Turns out that Castiel’s idea of having faith in the world is in simply enjoying life’s simple pleasures. He took Dean to a state park and made him sit on a hill overlooking a lake. He didn’t want to admit it, but maybe Cas was right. Maybe this was the best part of life. Dean’s life was loud. The garage was loud. The radio played. His coworkers yelled and swore and laughed. Sam’s high school graduation was loud. Their apartment was loud. The TV was on, playing Dr. Sexy (Dean’s idea) or a nature documentary (Cas’s idea) constantly. But this, this was quiet. Sitting high on a rocky hill looking at the water below him, Dean breathed in the scent of the outdoors. It was nice. His flannel was tied around his waist and he had his hiking boots on. He hadn’t worn hiking boots in ages.</p><p>“This is what I mean by faith, Dean. Just knowing that life is beautiful. Earth. Us, we’re beautiful. I hated my church, but I always trusted the voice in my heart telling me to be glad for life.”</p><p>Cas was good with words. Too good with them, Dean often thought. He had to hold himself back from making a face at the mention of Castiel’s church. He remembered being thirteen and Cas telling him how they were made to promise themselves to God. He remembered seeing one of the pastors on a sex offender list when he was fifteen and wanting to break into their horribly beautiful building and destroy the whole thing. He remembered Castiel painfully recalling being abused. He remembered having to sit with Cas during his first Christmas away from his church and family so he wouldn’t have a panic attack. Dean remembered how much Castiel’s church fucked him up.</p><p>Dean swallowed roughly, looking at his best friend. Cas was tan, arms strong (from lifting books) and his legs strong (from hiking), he had began running in the mornings too. Dean liked to wake up and drink his coffee while Cas was on his run. Their bedrooms were right next to each other, and they shared a common bathroom, so they tended to wake to each other’s alarms. Sam would usually bumble into the kitchen by the time Cas got back, and the three of them would eat breakfast. It was the closest Dean felt to having a normal family.</p><p>“Why are you so good?” Dean asked gruffly, watching as Cas turned his head to make eye contact. Cas frowned slightly, tilting his head. The fondness was back. He loved Cas.</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“Your church…it was so bad. But here you are, still being a faithful person who believes in grace or God or goodness. I don’t understand. How can you go through all of that and still want anything to do with faith?” he asked.</p><p>“My faith was never in the reciting of prayers or in the worship of a God who wanted to smite me for being gay,” Cas chuckled, “My faith was in us.”</p><p>Dean blinked, looked at Cas’s face for an explanation. There was nothing but a small smile. Was this…did Cas…? His heart was starting to pick up in pace and his hands started to sweat.</p><p>“What? Cas, what does that mean?”</p><p>“We always figured things out. You, me, Sam, our friends. Bobby. Gabriel. We figured things out. I had faith in my family. Not Naomi and Michael, but you, Dean. There’s something watching out for me. I don’t call it God, because I don’t find myself wanting to pray to them anymore, but I know the universe was blessing me with you in my life.”</p><p>Fuck. How could Castiel just word-vomit these types of romantic-Esque speeches with no problem? Dean could barely tell someone he liked spending time with them. Did Cas potentially feel the same way as he did?</p><p>“You’re my family, Dean,” Cas smiled and stood up, moving to grab his backpack and continue the hike. Dean felt his heart start to crumble. He really thought…Cas was going somewhere with that. Maybe this not-God entity was watching out for Castiel, but Dean wanted to yell at whatever grace there was in the world for cursing him with the pain of loving a man with no interest in him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I’m sorry I ruined your birthday; you had turned eighteen, and the sunshine hit me, and I was behaving strangely. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Sam was eighteen. His baby brother, practically his <em>child</em>. Dean had been the father that John never was. He only wanted to give Sam the best teenage years he could. Because Dean never got those. His teen years were spent working, drinking shitty beer, trying to make sure no one was harassing his best friend for being gay, and avoiding abuse from his father. So, when Sam turned eighteen, he wanted to give him something that would mean something. The only gift that Dean got in his entire life from his father was the Impala.</p><p>“Morning, Sammy!” Dean called from the kitchen, where he was scrambling eggs. He saw the shaggy-haired kid smile and sit at the counter.</p><p>“Where’s Cas?” he asked. Castiel was usually back from his run by now. He shrugged, although he also wondered where the man was. “Are you two dating?”</p><p>Dean dropped the spatula. “Why would you think that?” he asked, more defensive than needed, “Just because Cas is gay doesn’t mean he’s dating me. I…Sam I’m not - ”</p><p>“Don’t tell me you’re not gay, Dean, I’m not stupid.”</p><p>“Well, actually, I’ll have you know I’m bisexual,” Dean mumbled, picking up the spatula and examining the melted plastic from where it landed on the stovetop. “But Cas and I aren’t dating, Sam.”</p><p>“Bullshit. You know you don’t have to wait for me to move out to start sharing a room. I’m literally an adult, I can handle - ”</p><p>“Cas and I are <em>not dating!” </em>Dean broke out, turning around to point the spatula at his brother. Sam had a shit-eating grin on his face.</p><p>“You guys act more like a couple than Jess and me,” he pointed out. Dean lowered the spatula.</p><p>“Yeah, well, ask Cas why we’re not dating, not me,” Dean grumbled. He watched the emotions flicker across Sam’s face. Confusion, then shock, and finally realization.</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Don’t.”</p><p>The Winchester brothers ate their eggs in silence. Dean had almost forgotten that Cas was missing when he got a call from a number he didn’t recognize. It was in their area code, so he took another bite of eggs and pulled it up to his ear.</p><p>“Helluho?” he said through the egg as Sam pretended to gag.</p><p>“Hi, is this Dean Winchester?” a woman asked. Dean frowned. He didn’t remember giving his number to any women at the bar lately. He swallowed roughly.</p><p>“Yeah, who is this?”</p><p>“Hi, Dean. My name is Tammy, and I’m with the County Health Center. You are listed as the emergency contact for Castiel Shurley, is that correct?”</p><p>Dean’s heart stopped and a chill filled his entire chest. His mouth was hanging. Sam mouthed <em>what’s wrong? </em>at him.</p><p>“Y-yes. Yes, I am. What – what happened? Is he okay?” Dean frantically asked, standing up from his chair so fast that it almost fell over. Sam rose too, walking closer to attempt to hear the conversation.</p><p>“Castiel is okay. He is stable. He was involved in an accident this morning and is currently being monitored for any internal bleeding. Could you come down to the health cen - ”</p><p>“Yes. Yes, okay. Okay, God. Yeah, yeah I’ll – I’ll be there.”</p><p>“Sir? Are you and Castiel related? We need to know to let you into the room to see him while he is unconscious.”</p><p>Fuck. They were as good as related.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah. Um, Cas – Castiel – is my…boyfriend,” he lied, hoping that would be enough to get him into the room.</p><p>“Great, we’ll be here whenever you can get here.” With that, Tammy hung up the phone.</p><p>“Dean?” Sam asked. Dean turned to face his brother, tears filling his eyes.</p><p>“There was an accident, I don’t know what happened she said it would be okay but  - ”</p><p>“I’ll drive, go get your shoes.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>All the walls were melting and there were mermaids everywhere. Hearts flew from my hands and I could see people’s feelings. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Dean hated hospitals. They smelled bad. They smelled like someone was trying to cover the scent of blood, vomit, and piss. Hospitals were pain and suffering. No amount of weird modern art or cheery nurses would change that. Dean hated hospitals. Sam had been to the hospital once at age thirteen. He had broken a wrist at school during gym and Dean at age eighteen had had to care for him the entire time. John showed up just to yell at Dean for an unrelated reason and pay the bill. A few nurses looked at him suspiciously when he had told John to leave before knowing anything about how Sam was doing. One look into his too-old-for-his-age eyes told them enough.</p><p>Now Sam was holding him together. Waiting in a tiny chair next to his unconscious friend was unbearable. Sam tried and failed to keep up a conversation, but eventually left the room silent save for the beeping coming from Cas’s monitor.</p><p>“I don’t think you’ll end up getting your birthday present today, Sammy,” Dean lowly chucked. Sam frowned in confusion. “I was hoping we could maybe look at getting you a shitty car. To keep on campus with you. I think the medical bills are gonna slash that. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Dean, don’t apologize. It’s not anyone’s fault. It was an accident. I’d rather have Cas be here and safe than a car.” Dean nodded. Fuck, this was all messed up. The sun had hit a driver’s eyes and they had swerved, knocking Cas over. He was knocked unconscious, broke three fingers, and had a nasty road rash. He looked down at Castiel, still on the hospital bed. A knock brought him back to his senses. A male nurse with a clipboard came in. Dean sighed.</p><p>“Hi! My name’s – Dean?” he cut off. Dean looked up to be face to face with a friend from high school, Garth.</p><p>“Garth? Oh, god, how are you doing? I see you got through nursing school; I knew how much you used to bitch about that.”</p><p>“Yeah! It’s great. Hey, Sam, right?” he nodded to Sam, awkwardly standing in the corner. “I’m glad you and Castiel finally ended up together!” Garth said. Dean opened his mouth to protest but remembered that he had told the nurse on the phone they were dating.</p><p>“Right! Right, yeah. Dating. Castiel and I.” Dean’s ears were practically ringing with the emotions swirling around his head. Lying to a random nurse was one thing, but Dean felt bad lying to Garth. He managed a tight smile. “Sam, let’s let Garth here work alone, how do you feel about a coffee?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>This is the only thing I’ve ever had any faith in. Grace, I know you carry us. Grace, and it was such a mess. Grace, I don’t say it enough. Grace, you are so loved. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“Deeeeeeeean? Please?” Cas whined from where he sat in the living room. Dean rolled his eyes.</p><p>“You broke three fingers, not your whole arm, asshole. You can get the remote yourself,” he grumbled, but still grabbed the TV remote for him. He watched as Cas changed the TV from a <em>Die Hard </em>rerun to another nature documentary. This one was about lizards. He let out a soft chuckle. Only Cas. A silence fell between them. The apartment was quiet since Sam had moved out. No coming and going of random teenagers, no flurry of movement every morning when Sam woke up late. It was odd. Dean had driven him down to the university alone, as Cas was still in the early stages of recovering and said he wouldn’t be much help. <em>Physically, maybe, but emotionally I would have appreciated it, </em>he thought. People had asked him if he was part of the campus move-in team so many times he was ready to explode. When he explained he was an older brother, they asked if his parents were with him and his brother. Sam was used to explaining to strangers that he didn’t really have a dad, just his older brother, and his roommate; Dean was not used to explaining that. Sometimes when he showed in places where kids and teens where people would assume that he was a teen father and give him dirty looks. He bit back the urge to chew them out and instead just focused on what was important – supporting Sam.</p><p>He had to go to parent-teacher conferences when Sam was in high school, meaning that the same high school teachers who had often told Dean he wasn’t going to succeed unless he tried harder or “applied himself” as they said had to look Dean in the face as he told them he was raising his teen brother as well as working over sixty hours a week to make sure the kid could afford college. There was a bitter sense of satisfaction in his gut when the shock and guilt showed on their faces. He never opened up to anyone besides Cas in school, none of the teachers knew he was busy trying to make sure his dad didn’t accidentally kill himself or hurt his brother. Maybe in high school he was a dick to some of the teachers. But they were dicks to him too. Dean remembered the first time he had to talk to one of Sam’s teachers. He was only twenty-one, and Sam was sixteen.</p><p>
  <em>“Mr. Winchester? Can I help you?” asked a shocked man. Dean looked up from the doorway to see his old English teacher, Mr. Brown. The man had always been a pain in the ass, calling on Dean whenever he was extra tired and knocking him extra points for late assignments. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yes, uh. I’m here for the parent-teacher conference. For Sam. Winchester.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I think there’s a mistake. I’m expecting John, Dean. If he was busy, he should have called, a brother can’t stand in,” he looked up at Dean from where he sat as his desk under frowning eyebrows. Dean sucked in a breath and sat down across from him anyway. He handed Mr. Brown a few sheets of paper. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m Sam’s legal guardian, Mr. Brown,” he pursed his lips and the man looked over the paperwork. He finally raised his eyebrows and looked back at Dean, seeming less angry and more careful. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Dean, did your father pass? I’m so sorry to hear - ” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No, actually, I won a court case against him. He’s not allowed to be with Sam. He lives with me and my roommate. You remember Castiel Shurley?” Dean asked shyly. He didn’t like to call any attention to Sam and his fucked up fatherly situation. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Oh. Um, yes, yes, I remember him. Dean, if you don’t mind me asking…how is Sam doing? He’s always been an excellent student, and I haven’t honestly noticed much of a change in his behavior lately. Did he take the transition well?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Sam’s doing good. Took it like a champ. Always has,” he licked his lips and looked Mr. Brown in the eye. “Unlike me.” He watched the man wince. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I – I take it that you were raising Sam from a young age?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yes.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Working from a young age?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yes sir. I’m working overtime now, making sure Sammy will be able to get into school without financial issues. He deserves that.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“He does, he’s very smart. So, in high school, you were protecting Sam from…?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yes,” Dean bit out, eyes hard. It wasn’t Mr. Brown’s business. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I apologize for how I may have judged you, Mr. Winchester.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Dean nodded curtly. “Thank you,” he said, knowing it was a deserved apology. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And you, you were the one I treated the worst, only because I loved you the most. We haven’t spoken in a long time, I think about it sometimes. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>It was a normal weeknight for Dean and Cas, they chose to do their grocery shopping, and then go home to watch some Dr. Sexy reruns (Dean’s idea). Cas was nearly recovered, and Sam was doing well in school so far. He was making friends, joining clubs, and having a normal college experience. Dean was so proud of him. He and Cas were good. They spend a lot of time together these days since Dean was less busy ensuring Sam was where he needed to be. He had stopped picking up extra shifts at the bar, but still selling his plasma (“Come on, Cas! It’s easy money!”). Dean even joined Castiel on his outdoor excursions. They were when Cas felt the most connected to grace, it was where Dean felt safe. Maybe, Dean thought, maybe Cas was right. Maybe he did need faith in his life, just not the kind of faith that one would find in the pages of a dictionary or in the backrooms of an old church.</p><p>“We need chia concentrate, Dean. It’s the only caffeine that doesn’t give me a headache,” Cas complained, nudging Dean towards the tea and coffee aisle. He didn’t even sigh or roll his eyes, Dean just nodded and walked down the lane, pushing their cart with them. He was whipped. He stopped in front of all the tea concentrates and looked down for the familiar brown chai box. Dean snuck a look at Cas, who had stayed in the main aisle of the store. He smiled. Cas was over-dressed for the store, but Dean found it endearing. Maybe Sam had a point, maybe he should try to pursue a relationship with the man. He had never dated anyone in the entire time they lived together, and Dean obviously knew he was gay. Dean just knew that Cas was it for him. He was the person he never got tired of being with. The man who made Dean’s life more than just working to make sure Sam would be okay. Castiel was his best friend. He grabbed the box of tea off the shelf, suddenly excited. Maybe this would work out. He heard Cas’s voice in his head telling him to have faith. <em>Good things do happen, Dean.</em></p><p>Castiel, who was beautiful. Castiel, who was helping Dean stay sober. Castiel, who Dean would give anything to be able to love, to touch, to kiss. Castiel, who was talking to Garth. Castiel, who was –</p><p>Dean’s mind came to a screeching halt. Garth. Who thinks that Dean and Cas are dating. Who thought that they have been into each other since high school. Garth, who was talking to Castiel, and Castiel, who looked as if he had just been slapped across the face. <em>Fuck. </em>Dean practically ran the meet them at the end of the aisle.</p><p>“Hey! Uh, Garth! How are you? Last time I saw you this guy was in bed. The hospital bed, I mean. Um. Yeah. What’s up?” he plastered a fake smile on his face as he talked to Garth. Cas stayed silent the entire time. Dean said a literal prayer in his head that Garth hadn’t mentioned the whole dating thing. Maybe Cas was just being his socially awkward self. But when Garth left them, Cas stayed silent. They went to the check out in quiet, but inside Dean was a mess of noise. His heart was beating loud and quick, he felt all his nerves as if they were on fire, and his thoughts were racing. They got to the Impala and loaded the groceries into the trunk. It wasn’t until they were both in the front seat that Dean looked at Cas. His face was blank.</p><p>“Cas?” he asked tentatively.</p><p>“What, Dean?” Cas snapped. <em>Fuck. </em>Dean hadn’t heard him sound this mad in years.</p><p>“I – I’m sorry.”</p><p>“I thought we <em>were</em> family, Dean,” Cas said, finally meeting Dean’s eyes. “I thought for the longest time we have been family. You always say I am. But am I not now that Sam’s gone?”</p><p>“What?” Dean shook his head, trying to make sense of what Cas was saying. His eyes were watering and his mouth was half-open. Cas’s lips were trembling and there were already tears threatening to spill from his blue eyes.</p><p>“Why would you tell Garth we are dating?” Cas asked, looking away and speaking quietly. Dean felt his entire body deflate. Cas was going to move out. He was disgusted not only by the idea of dating Dean but also at the idea of Dean even saying they were together.</p><p>“It was the only way I could get in to see you, Cas! I had to!”</p><p>“You couldn’t have just said you’re my roommate? Or closest friend or the nearest thing to a family member?” Cas was quietly fuming, and Dean felt as if his heart was going to explode out of his chest. The guilt was eating him alive from the inside out, but he couldn’t help but argue back.</p><p>“Why is it such a big deal, Cas? So, Garth thinks we’re dating, why do you care so much? Am I that terrible that you’d rather be alone in a hospital room than have some people think we’re dating? I’m sorry, but I don’t understand why you’re so pissed.”  </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I don’t know who I was back then, and I hope on hope I would never treat anyone like that again. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“Oh, maybe because we’re not actually dating, Dean!” Cas bit out, his glare hitting Dean like a slap across the face. A stab in the heart. It hurt more than a punch from John. Dean couldn’t help the tears falling from his eyes. Why did Cas care? Why was he crying? Why did Cas look both angry but also sad? Wait –</p><p>“Since when do you care about lying?” Dean pointed out, knowing Cas had been prone to lying his entire life due to his upbringing. Cas looked away now, blinking. Only then did Dean notice that Castiel’s shoulders were so tense they were shaking. Cas let out a short and bitter laugh.</p><p>“Let’s just go, Dean. I’m sorry, just – just forget - ”</p><p>“No!” Dean cut in, pushing Cas to face him. They were <em>both </em>teary-eyed. A thudding in Dean’s chest restarted. “Why…Cas, what aren’t you telling me?”</p><p>They held each other’s gaze, and Dean tentatively moved his hand from where he had grabbed Castiel’s shoulder to his hand. Cas’s eyes widened. Dean bit his lip.</p><p>“I was upset that…that it wasn’t real,” Cas whispered, breaking eye contact and looking at where Dean had a grip on his hand. “Dean, you must know. I mean, we’ve lived together for almost four years, we practically raised Sam like a kid, I…Dean you…you were what I had faith in, this entire time. You were my home. You are, I mean.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>This is the only thing I’ve ever had any faith in. Grace, I know you carry us. Grace and it was such a mess. Grace, I don’t say it enough. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“Cas,” Dean choked out, eyes blown wide in shock. “Cas, you’re the <em>only </em>thing I have any faith in. You’re the closest to family I have, I just…I panicked, I – I. Maybe it was wishful thinking.”</p><p>Dean watched as Castiel’s eyes flickered across Dean’s face.</p><p>“Wishful thinking?” he murmured. It was almost to himself and not Dean.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Grace, you are so loved.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“What did I do to get you in my life, Dean?” Cas smiled down toward their hands again. He placed his other hand on Dean’s. “Hand sandwich.”</p><p>The silence was broken by the sound of Dean’s outrageous laughter. It filled up the whole car, and finally, Cas started to laugh too. They were smiling. Could this be? Were they on the same page? No, not in this life, Dean started to think, but those thoughts shattered when he saw Cas start to lean forward. Untangling their hands, Cas placed a hand on Dean’s cheek.</p><p>“Dean,” he let out a soft sigh, smiling. “I’m in love with you.”</p><p>It was if someone had thrown a bucket of water on his head. The shock of hearing those words, words he never thought he would hear, combined with the heat that was crawling out of his chest into his cheeks hit him like a punch. But this time, it didn’t hurt. Cas wouldn’t hurt him.</p><p>“Am I in shock?” he mumbled, watching Cas get even closer. <em>Please, kiss me. </em></p><p>“No, this is happening. Dean, I love you. I have for years.”</p><p>“Fuck, Cas. Fuck. I. You’re it. You’re my home. You’re my…my <em>grace </em>or my <em>faith </em>or whatever you want to call it. You’re the goodness in the world. You’re <em>my </em>world. Fuck. Fuck, Cas, I love you too.”</p><p>Then their lips met. It was so <em>so </em>soft. He felt the heat coming from Cas’s face on his hands, and then <em>shit </em>that was Castiel’s tongue, and then his hands were in his hair and –</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Grace, I know you carry us. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>They barely even managed to get back to their apartment, throwing off their jackets in the car already, and then Cas had Dean against a wall and was against his body. Dean let out a sigh, a gentle sound of <em>love. </em>Fuck, he was in love. He was kissing the man he loved. He was with the man he loved. Castiel was kissing him. In this life, now.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Grace, and it was such a <strong>fucking </strong>mess. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>They hit Dean’s bed with a soft exhale shared between lips. Cas was tugging off his blue sweater and Dean started on getting his t-shirt over his head. The skin on skin contact was glorious, Dean had never felt anything like it. Having Cas against him, on top of him, shoving his tongue in his mouth and kissing his neck and –</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Oh, Grace, I don’t say it enough. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“I love you; I love you, fuck. Fuck, god, Cas. Cas, Castiel, please, God, fuck, Cas I love you.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Grace, you are so loved. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Dean didn’t know what to expect in the morning. He really didn’t. His bed was empty, and he half expected to find out the whole thing was a dream. Only he wasn’t wearing anything, and there was the sound of movement in the kitchen. Did Cas regret it? No, he couldn’t, not after what he had all said. <em>Please, let me have this,</em> he thought. Sure enough, Cas returned to Dean’s room, and Dean’s eyes couldn’t help but flicker to the marks he had left on his chest. Cas was holding two mugs, one black coffee and one chai latte. Dean felt his mouth smile on its own accord. Cas set them down on the headboard before climbing back on top of Dean, dropping his head into the nook of his neck.</p><p>“Good morning, Dean,” he mumbled. Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel. Castiel, his boyfriend. His lover. His partner. He would never hear the end of this from Sam or any of their friends, but somehow, he was okay with that. As long as he had Castiel in his arms it would be okay.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>This is the only thing I’ve ever had any faith in. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>This is the only thing I’ve ever had any faith in.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This is the only thing I’ve ever had any faith in. </em>
</p><p><em>This is the only thing I’ve ever had any faith in. </em> </p>
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